So Strong / So Weak

So Strong on 9.29.2017: I spent 6 hours...YES....SIX HOURS, in Starbucks yesterday doing my new Bible Study Class, Exodus Out of Egypt, and it felt so great. I listened to audios, watched videos, read scripture and felt so convicted. I waited on the growl to hit and hunger said "hello" at around 1:00 p.m.   I ate one shortbread cookie from Starbucks and then stayed there till about 4pm.  

I thought about what I truly wanted and it was a delicious burger from R.G. Burgers!! 

4:25 pm: I was obedient to hunger and only ate a tiny triangle of my Spicy Burger and 4 Texas Steak fries. I was satisfied. 

8:00pm: Was watching a movie with friends but all I kept thinking about was, "When is hunger going to hit because I want more of my burger and fries and a garlic cheese ball" (my friend ordered food from Pizza Hut). Is that a growl? Yes, it is. I ate another tiny triangle sliver of burger, 4 fries, 1 cheddar cheese chunk square, 1 garlic cheese ball. I was full. 

12:15am: Still at friend's house, watching another movie. I should have gone home. This is my very heavy Time of Testing. I STILL kept wanting hunger to hit so I could have more burger and fries. Is that hunger? It should be, it's 4 hours later. I willed myself hungry and ate a little bit more food. 

So Weak at 1:00am: In the car, driving home, I realize I am tired and that I know I am being tested. I pray but my mind thinks of the stuff I have at home that I can DEVOUR. "I messed up,  so I might as well finish everything off and get back on track tomorrow." No, that's just the enemy. I have repented for being greedy and gluttonous time and time again...turn away and sin no more. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?? (Nothing worth having comes easy)

I am home now, LITERALLY pacing back and forth, I get ready for bed and chug a small Moscato wine bottle, like it's a juice box. GO TO BED YOLANDA. GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN. I go to the fridge and eat about 3 pretzels from a left over bag. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY.....GO TO BED RIGHT NOW. 

This Morning on 9.30.2017: The Capricorn in me is a perfectionist who beats herself at any chance. HOW COULD I SPEND 6 HOURS FOCUSED ON GOD TO END UP RUNNING BACK TO THE FOOD IN THE SAME DAY. However, I did not dwell on my mistake. I prayed. Called one of my Exodus class moderators and got filled up with some truth. The enemy wants me to beat myself up and give up and run back to diets, but I will not. This class is showing me how much my heart, mind and thoughts are focused on the food. I ran away from this message 22 years ago when I first heard of Weigh Down, but I am digging my heals in and am determined to fight. 

All I can do is continue to ask that God help my heart love and adore Him more and help my heart fall OUT of love with the food. I see it. I recognize it. I must continue to pray and I must get rid of certain things in my house that call my name between the growl. 

Genesis 4:7: If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you but you must master it. 

#YOU MUST MASTER IT

Confessions

Today has been a challenging day for me spiritually. I am not happy at my job and am ready for something new but I feel very much stuck where I am and keep praying to God to give me peace and to guide my path towards the next position.

I should have stopped eating this candy last night but I just kept on eating it. I did not eat the whole bag and I was obedient to hunger throughout the day when I did eat several pieces, but it was challenging at night for me.....AGAIN.

How I wanted to NOT post this post, but I have committed to be open and honest.

LAST NIGHT: I notice that sometimes I can be really FOCUSED ON BEING OBEDIENT and then other times, I just WILLFULLY decide I am going to be disobedient. I think, "I'll get back on track tomorrow." So, with the candy shown below, I ate a bit too much past full last night after I ate my dinner.

TODAY: I just ate lunch about 30 minutes ago. It was one slice of pepperoni pizza and 1 small pretzel twist from Domino's Pizza. I ate the pretzel and then the slice of pizza and got to the crust, shown below, and I REALLY WANTED TO FINISH IT even though I was clearly full. I looked at it, and remembered how I felt guilty about the candy, but I STILL WANTED TO EAT THE REMAINING CRUST. I ended up throwing it away, but my HEART REALLY WANTED TO EAT IT.

God is not happy if I keep straddling the fence. I need to be "ALL IN." I need to listen to "The 90 Percenter" audio on All Access. This is really not as easy as just following a diet. It requires a heart change and this is TRULY showing me how much my heart has worshiped and idolized the food for far too many years.

Weigh Down (Re-start)

So, one of the main reasons I wanted to create this blog is to show people the size of plates and spoons I am using based on Gwen's recommendations. I also want to show you all my sample portion sizes!!

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SAMPLE PORTION SIZES

 Breakfast: Protein shake with strawberries, raspberries and cherries.

 Lunch: 2 Mango slices from Trader Joe's

Dinner and Dessert: Salmon, Cream Cheese on Dinner Roll half
Dessert: 1/4 cup of Frozen Yogurt

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2 Breakfast: Strawberry protein shake, 1 cup of almond milk, 1 cup of strawberries and banana

 Lunch: 1/2 dinner roll, 2 tbs of almond butter

Dinner: Panda Express Chow Mien and Honey Walnut Shrimp

Left - Full portion / Right - My small portion

 Dessert: I was hungry enough to eat only one shortbread cookie after my dinner. I sat in Starbucks for almost 3 hours and got hungry again, so I ate this other one. SOOO YUMMY!!

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AFTER I GOT HOME LAST NIGHT, I FAILED A DESERT OF TESTING TEST. 

Doritos - True Hunger when I ate these
Panda Express - True Hunger when I started but NOT when I finished. I felt stuffed.

OLD WAY OF THINKING: "Well, since I've blown it, I might as well finish it all!!"

Fortune Cookie: 100% Disobedient eating
M&Ms: 100% Disobedient eating
Mango Slices: 100% Disobedient eating of 4 small slices

I no longer need to purchase food to eat later when I am hungry. That's why I had the M&Ms in the house, but that set me up for failure.

10 Pound Re-Gain

So, here I am, BACK UP TO 347.8 pounds!! I gained back 10 of the 11 pounds that I lost being obedient to God's hunger / satisfaction signals. (See Blog Post from Sunday, July 30, 2017)

 UGGGGGH!! So frustrated with myself. 

Residence Life Training Fall 2017 kicked my butt. I fell victim to my greedy stress-eating habits.

I was avoiding my Weigh Down Accountability Partner because I was full of shame.

I knew that I shouldn't have stuffed myself, but I wanted ALL OF THE FOOD I was eating.

I was NOT listening to anything on All Access and the pounds came pouring back.

I just sent this 347.8 picture to my Accountability Partner (with a lot of shame and guilt) and she sent me this picture:

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FAILED TESTS AND FOOD BINGES

 PLACES MY TEAM AND I ATE DURING THE DAY:

Chipotle

Cane's Chicken

Chick-fil-A

Panda Express

Pei Wei Asian Bistro

Wing Stop

Olive Garden

AT NIGHT AT HOME ALONE,  I BINGED ON THESE ITEMS: 

 Margarita Mix with Powdered Sugar
2 Bottles of Tequila 

(I made/consumed 20+ cocktails)

 Doritos 

King Size Reeces Peanut Butter Cups 

Kit Kat King Sized 

Plain M&Ms

Peanut M&Ms

Twizzlers 

Skittles 

Pour Over Butter Popcorn 

1 Large Pizza 

16-count box of Blueberry Poptarts

Central Grill Cheeseburger and Onion Rings

Cheeseburger and Fries and a Margarita
Margaritas at the Movies

25oz cans of Straw-ber-rita and Mango-rita
....and probably more stuff that I can't recall at the moment!

DINNER OUT WITH A FRIEND:

Below I had a Burger and fries and ALL 6 of these mini-margaritas at LSA Burger on the Denton Square:

(In this photo, I was using my forearms to PUSH my boobs in so they wouldn't look SO HUGE in the picture. I was also so uncomfortable and scrunched into the seat)

I see how I gained 10 pounds in 22 days! 
This type of eating puts so much stress on my body!!