Overcoming Strongholds

So, I have recognized that having certain foods in my house can be very tempting. After I eat the food, my mind doesn't focus on getting busy doing God's work but I completely focus on, the food, the whole food and NOTHING BUT THE FOOD. 

One night during the week of September 25, 2017, I overate and gave into head hunger. I drank all 4 mini bottles of Moscato, (I chugged those bad boys like they were JUICE), one chocolate chip cookie (that was in the Ziploc bag), one bag of Munchies and one Belvita. 

I had a stash of more Belivitas, a FULL bottle of Moscato, 3 bags of Movie Theater Butter popcorn and...well, you can see the picture....duhhhh!!

I needed to get rid of these bags because I was lusting after this popcorn between the growls.

Down the disposal it all went. 

Video posted to Exodus out of Egypt Marco Polo app!!

So Strong / So Weak

So Strong on 9.29.2017: I spent 6 hours...YES....SIX HOURS, in Starbucks yesterday doing my new Bible Study Class, Exodus Out of Egypt, and it felt so great. I listened to audios, watched videos, read scripture and felt so convicted. I waited on the growl to hit and hunger said "hello" at around 1:00 p.m.   I ate one shortbread cookie from Starbucks and then stayed there till about 4pm.  

I thought about what I truly wanted and it was a delicious burger from R.G. Burgers!! 

4:25 pm: I was obedient to hunger and only ate a tiny triangle of my Spicy Burger and 4 Texas Steak fries. I was satisfied. 

8:00pm: Was watching a movie with friends but all I kept thinking about was, "When is hunger going to hit because I want more of my burger and fries and a garlic cheese ball" (my friend ordered food from Pizza Hut). Is that a growl? Yes, it is. I ate another tiny triangle sliver of burger, 4 fries, 1 cheddar cheese chunk square, 1 garlic cheese ball. I was full. 

12:15am: Still at friend's house, watching another movie. I should have gone home. This is my very heavy Time of Testing. I STILL kept wanting hunger to hit so I could have more burger and fries. Is that hunger? It should be, it's 4 hours later. I willed myself hungry and ate a little bit more food. 

So Weak at 1:00am: In the car, driving home, I realize I am tired and that I know I am being tested. I pray but my mind thinks of the stuff I have at home that I can DEVOUR. "I messed up,  so I might as well finish everything off and get back on track tomorrow." No, that's just the enemy. I have repented for being greedy and gluttonous time and time again...turn away and sin no more. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?? (Nothing worth having comes easy)

I am home now, LITERALLY pacing back and forth, I get ready for bed and chug a small Moscato wine bottle, like it's a juice box. GO TO BED YOLANDA. GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN. I go to the fridge and eat about 3 pretzels from a left over bag. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY.....GO TO BED RIGHT NOW. 

This Morning on 9.30.2017: The Capricorn in me is a perfectionist who beats herself at any chance. HOW COULD I SPEND 6 HOURS FOCUSED ON GOD TO END UP RUNNING BACK TO THE FOOD IN THE SAME DAY. However, I did not dwell on my mistake. I prayed. Called one of my Exodus class moderators and got filled up with some truth. The enemy wants me to beat myself up and give up and run back to diets, but I will not. This class is showing me how much my heart, mind and thoughts are focused on the food. I ran away from this message 22 years ago when I first heard of Weigh Down, but I am digging my heals in and am determined to fight. 

All I can do is continue to ask that God help my heart love and adore Him more and help my heart fall OUT of love with the food. I see it. I recognize it. I must continue to pray and I must get rid of certain things in my house that call my name between the growl. 

Genesis 4:7: If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you but you must master it. 

#YOU MUST MASTER IT

Confessions

Today has been a challenging day for me spiritually. I am not happy at my job and am ready for something new but I feel very much stuck where I am and keep praying to God to give me peace and to guide my path towards the next position.

I should have stopped eating this candy last night but I just kept on eating it. I did not eat the whole bag and I was obedient to hunger throughout the day when I did eat several pieces, but it was challenging at night for me.....AGAIN.

How I wanted to NOT post this post, but I have committed to be open and honest.

LAST NIGHT: I notice that sometimes I can be really FOCUSED ON BEING OBEDIENT and then other times, I just WILLFULLY decide I am going to be disobedient. I think, "I'll get back on track tomorrow." So, with the candy shown below, I ate a bit too much past full last night after I ate my dinner.

TODAY: I just ate lunch about 30 minutes ago. It was one slice of pepperoni pizza and 1 small pretzel twist from Domino's Pizza. I ate the pretzel and then the slice of pizza and got to the crust, shown below, and I REALLY WANTED TO FINISH IT even though I was clearly full. I looked at it, and remembered how I felt guilty about the candy, but I STILL WANTED TO EAT THE REMAINING CRUST. I ended up throwing it away, but my HEART REALLY WANTED TO EAT IT.

God is not happy if I keep straddling the fence. I need to be "ALL IN." I need to listen to "The 90 Percenter" audio on All Access. This is really not as easy as just following a diet. It requires a heart change and this is TRULY showing me how much my heart has worshiped and idolized the food for far too many years.

Food Binges Immediately After Losing 70 pounds

When I followed a very strict program (no sugar, flour or friend foods, ooops, I meant "fried" foods) with the 12-Step Program Overeaters Anonymous H.O.W. from April 2016 to December 2016, I got down from 372 (my highest weight ever) to 302.2 pounds. I looked awesome and felt so great.

HOWEVERRRRRRRR, during a Christmas celebration in 2016, I ate some sweet potato pie and drank some wine and MY TASTE BUDS WERE REINTRODUCED TO SUGAR AND FLOUR AND I LOST MY MIND. Along with work stress and before I could catch myself, I went right back to what I normally do after a restrictive diet. I EAT!!! I went running back to all of the foods that I cut out while following OA H.O.W. (Honest. Open. Willing.)

Below are pictures of some, not all, of my junk food binges that I indulged in from January 2017 to May 2017. These food binges are how I gained back up to 345 pounds and show you EXACTLY my eating patterns/binges which caused me to get up to 372 in the first place!! 

I ate two full bags of Tootsie Roll Blow Pops = 22 pops in pretty much ONE DAY.
What is so classic is my Big Book (my Overeaters Anonymous book) on the table in the background!!
(Jesus Take the Wheel!!!)

My favorite spot in my living room (in front of the TV) with some Pad Thai, Twizzlers and an ice cold 25-ounce can of Straw-ber-rita! 

 Multiple bottles of alcohol, fast food Styrofoam containers, chips, sodas, candy and more fast food!! 

Twizzlers, Doritos, Cheetos and a Bottle of wine in the trash. 

A hidden bag of Doritos I forgot about. When I was originally eating the whole bag, some friends dropped over and I hid it in a moving / packing box. When I found it, I finished it off...of course!! 

Orville's Pour Over Butter Large Bag of Popcorn

(In my cabinet, you will see books from 12-Step Programs "Food for Thought" and "Surrendering Hunger". You will also see that purple box of Medifast food. I lost 85 pounds on Medifast back in 2013, but gained 80 pounds back the next year!!)

I ate this entire bag of chips in one sitting

A whole large Pizza, Straw-ber-ritas, Cheetos, Doritos, Popcorn, Pretzel Thins, Reese's and some other stuff I can't quite make out

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WEIGH DOWN VS. MAN MADE DIETS

The difference between Weigh Down and Man-Made Diets is that my heart does not have to change on man-made diets. The food is the only thing that changes, not my heart, not my desires, not my obedience to hunger and fullness.  I have always been in love with the food. I have always worshiped the food instead of God. It was my idol. I could avoid it long enough to lose 70 pounds, but eventually, my heart ran back to the food which is the struggle I have had all of my life.....before Weigh Down.