So Strong / So Weak

So Strong on 9.29.2017: I spent 6 hours...YES....SIX HOURS, in Starbucks yesterday doing my new Bible Study Class, Exodus Out of Egypt, and it felt so great. I listened to audios, watched videos, read scripture and felt so convicted. I waited on the growl to hit and hunger said "hello" at around 1:00 p.m.   I ate one shortbread cookie from Starbucks and then stayed there till about 4pm.  

I thought about what I truly wanted and it was a delicious burger from R.G. Burgers!! 

4:25 pm: I was obedient to hunger and only ate a tiny triangle of my Spicy Burger and 4 Texas Steak fries. I was satisfied. 

8:00pm: Was watching a movie with friends but all I kept thinking about was, "When is hunger going to hit because I want more of my burger and fries and a garlic cheese ball" (my friend ordered food from Pizza Hut). Is that a growl? Yes, it is. I ate another tiny triangle sliver of burger, 4 fries, 1 cheddar cheese chunk square, 1 garlic cheese ball. I was full. 

12:15am: Still at friend's house, watching another movie. I should have gone home. This is my very heavy Time of Testing. I STILL kept wanting hunger to hit so I could have more burger and fries. Is that hunger? It should be, it's 4 hours later. I willed myself hungry and ate a little bit more food. 

So Weak at 1:00am: In the car, driving home, I realize I am tired and that I know I am being tested. I pray but my mind thinks of the stuff I have at home that I can DEVOUR. "I messed up,  so I might as well finish everything off and get back on track tomorrow." No, that's just the enemy. I have repented for being greedy and gluttonous time and time again...turn away and sin no more. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?? (Nothing worth having comes easy)

I am home now, LITERALLY pacing back and forth, I get ready for bed and chug a small Moscato wine bottle, like it's a juice box. GO TO BED YOLANDA. GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN. I go to the fridge and eat about 3 pretzels from a left over bag. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY.....GO TO BED RIGHT NOW. 

This Morning on 9.30.2017: The Capricorn in me is a perfectionist who beats herself at any chance. HOW COULD I SPEND 6 HOURS FOCUSED ON GOD TO END UP RUNNING BACK TO THE FOOD IN THE SAME DAY. However, I did not dwell on my mistake. I prayed. Called one of my Exodus class moderators and got filled up with some truth. The enemy wants me to beat myself up and give up and run back to diets, but I will not. This class is showing me how much my heart, mind and thoughts are focused on the food. I ran away from this message 22 years ago when I first heard of Weigh Down, but I am digging my heals in and am determined to fight. 

All I can do is continue to ask that God help my heart love and adore Him more and help my heart fall OUT of love with the food. I see it. I recognize it. I must continue to pray and I must get rid of certain things in my house that call my name between the growl. 

Genesis 4:7: If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you but you must master it. 

#YOU MUST MASTER IT

I Need More Fiber

• When I get the growl, I've been eating a lot of fried foods, fried chicken, fried corn nuggets, honey butter biscuits, candy, soda, lemonade, soda, fried chicken, soda, pizza, soda, etc. 
• I haven't had a vegetable in almost two months. 
• No wonder I am, shall I say, "blocked"
• I probably should be drinking a bit more water too
• Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial
• Yesterday morning, well, at noon, when I got the growl, here are some "higher fiber" options I chose:

Collard greens

Red Onion

2 egg whites, 1 yolk

1 frozen, mini-taco from Trader Joes

1/8 of a plantain that I cooked in coconut oil

Here's what my cooked food looked like on my small portion plate

I wanted you to see the size of my plate compared to a regular sized "healthy portions" plate

Weight Update #3 and Revelation from Revolution Class

Weight Update #3

• So, all I have thought about this week is the scale going down.
• It was as low as 334.4 and then went up to 335.6 and stayed there SOLIDLY for the rest of the week.
• I weighed on Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and today, Sunday.
• So, 335.6 is my final weight for today and that means I am up 0.2 pounds.
• Clearly, I am not happy.
• Even BEFORE my final weigh day of today, I stood in the aisle at Walmart and contemplated buying a fat burner because of NOT having FAITH AND TRUST in God to give me the desires of my heart!! (My heart was convicted and I put them back)

August 28: 347.8 pounds / September 3: 340.6 = -7.2 lbs,1st Week = -7.2 lbs total

September 3: 340.6 / September 10: 335.4 = -5.2 lbs, 2nd Week = -12.4 lbs total

September 10: 335.4 / September 17: 335.6 = +0.2 lbs, 3rd Week = -12.2 lbs total

Revelation from my Revolution Class

• The scale is a stronghold for me
• I am overly focused on self, my body and my body weight
• There are foods that I am eating that have a very strong pull on my heart
• In YCO* Season 2, Episode 10: "Overcoming Bingeing on Sweets," Gwen says that if certain foods are a stronghold for you, you should see if you can sacrifice that food for God

• I am not devoted to, focused on or concerned about being obedient to God to have a relationship with Him, but to see that scale go down (OUCH!!!!)
• I am struggling with being obedient to God because my FOCUS is on making the scale go DOWN

• I am going to follow the Spirit vs. the Flesh calendar for a while and stay off the scales
• I need to focus on building a friendship and relationship with God because that is where my heart must be focused in order for God to give me the desires of my heart
• The scale will never go down and STAY DOWN if I don't have a pure heart for God. 

....AND...the scale going down, CANNOT be my only desire for connecting with God. 

Weight Update #2

• I spoke to my Accountability Partner this past Wednesday, September 6, 2017, and I had the NERVE to be bummed because I had ONLY lost 3.6 pounds since Sunday, September 3rd. (340.6 down to 337)

• I keep thinking, "Since I'm still so heavy, I should be losing like 10 pounds a week!!"
• This is evidence of crazy, warped thinking. 

• I want this weight off NOW, but God is working on the spiritual piece first 
• GOD WANTS ME TO BE OBEDIENT TO HIS GOD-GIVEN HUNGER AND FULLNESS AND NOT BOW DOWN TO ANOTHER FALSE GOD = THE SCALE. 

                       

Wednesday, 9.6.2017 = another 3.6 pounds down, but I was still disappointed that it was not more. Very selfish thinking and expectations. God owes me nothing!!

      

                           

Friday, 9.8.2017 = another 1.0 pounds down, I wanted it to be more than that.

Sunday, 9.10.2017 = 0.6 pounds down


 September 3: 340.6 / September 10: 335.4 = -5.2 lbs, 2nd Week
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HELPFUL WORDS FROM MY WEIGH DOWN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER:

1. We didn't gain all our weight overnight, so we won't lose it overnight

2. It's a good test of my will to see if I will be obedient to hunger and fullness even when the scale won't move or move as quickly as I want

3. Water weight comes off first and then things slow down when it's true fat

4. Keep focusing up on God and the weight will come off! 

August 28: 347.8 pounds / September 3: 340.6 = -7.2 lbs,1st Week

September 3: 340.6 / September 10: 335.4 = -5.2 lbs, 2nd Week = -12.4 lbs total

Confessions

Today has been a challenging day for me spiritually. I am not happy at my job and am ready for something new but I feel very much stuck where I am and keep praying to God to give me peace and to guide my path towards the next position.

I should have stopped eating this candy last night but I just kept on eating it. I did not eat the whole bag and I was obedient to hunger throughout the day when I did eat several pieces, but it was challenging at night for me.....AGAIN.

How I wanted to NOT post this post, but I have committed to be open and honest.

LAST NIGHT: I notice that sometimes I can be really FOCUSED ON BEING OBEDIENT and then other times, I just WILLFULLY decide I am going to be disobedient. I think, "I'll get back on track tomorrow." So, with the candy shown below, I ate a bit too much past full last night after I ate my dinner.

TODAY: I just ate lunch about 30 minutes ago. It was one slice of pepperoni pizza and 1 small pretzel twist from Domino's Pizza. I ate the pretzel and then the slice of pizza and got to the crust, shown below, and I REALLY WANTED TO FINISH IT even though I was clearly full. I looked at it, and remembered how I felt guilty about the candy, but I STILL WANTED TO EAT THE REMAINING CRUST. I ended up throwing it away, but my HEART REALLY WANTED TO EAT IT.

God is not happy if I keep straddling the fence. I need to be "ALL IN." I need to listen to "The 90 Percenter" audio on All Access. This is really not as easy as just following a diet. It requires a heart change and this is TRULY showing me how much my heart has worshiped and idolized the food for far too many years.

On the Border

It's so nice to be able to eat WHATEVER I want when I'm hungry. That is such a blessing from God.

Normally, I would have consumed two or three baskets of chips, a whole fried Chimichanga, 2 large margaritas and an order of beef Empanadas.

But tonight, my dinner was just:

3 tortilla chips, broken up like Gwen says to do
1 Empanada
A glass of pineapple juice (only drank a few sips between bites)

I prayed before I ate and asked God to slow me down so I would not eat too quickly and that I would stop when satisfied. 

 I took 3 chips from the basket

 I broke each chip into small pieces, dipped them in salsa, put a bit of salt on each one and enjoyed my 3 chips. 

My order of empandas came out, I picked out the prettiest one and ate it. I was satisfied when I was done and knew that I didn't need to eat anymore. 

Asked for a "to go" box for the remaining 4 to eat another one when the next hunger hits. Also took my juice out in a "to go" cup. 

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Today's Food

10:00AM: 1 cup of Korean Pho today for breakfast with 2 TBS of white rice

2:00PM: 1 large Nectarine and 1/2 of a dinner roll

6:00PM: On the Border

I spent hours watching All Access and did some bible reading and worked in my Weigh Down Revolution Workbook. 

Now, I'm heading out to the movies. Goodnight!! 

Today's Food

So, Gwen says that the heavier you are, the LESS often your body will get hungry because it knows it has LOTS of fat to burn and it may get hungry once, maybe twice per day. She is correct. At 340 pounds, I find that I may get TRULY hungry, once, maybe twice per day.

I have been drinking protein shakes with fruit for my first meal of the day because I found a protein shake that I love (long time ago) and because I am lazy and it's easy to just throw almond milk, bananas and protein powder in my Nutribullet.

For dinner, I eat whatever the heck I want, but ONLY enough to take away the growl. Here is what I consumed today:

1.  2:00pm is when hunger first hit: 1 Protein shake: 25 grams of protein powder scoop, 1/2 banana, 1 cup almond milk, 1 cup water. With 1/2 peach and 2 chile spiced mango slices from Trader Joe's
2. 8:30pm is when hunger hit again: 1/2 of a quesadilla half (shown below) - some random quesadilla from Trader Joe's
3. It is 9:24pm right now and I feel the growl coming on again. I will probably eat the other 1/2 before going to bed or watching some t.v. 

HOW CAN YOU SURVIVE ON SO LITTLE FOOD? 

 Exactly what I thought, but it takes so little to actually satisfy me. I've been overfeeding myself for years!! 

Update #1: Full growl right now at 9:29pm and I just ate the little left over portion on my plate above. I will sit for a bit and see if the growl comes back and then will take a few bites of the other 1/2. I will eat slowly to make sure to not eat past satisfaction. I don't like feeling stuffed.

Update #2: I was VERY hungry and ended up eating the other 1/2 like I said I would. 

Weight Update #1

Wow, even with a slip up this week and being disobedient, God has still blessed me with a 7.2 pound weight loss in ONE WEEK. 

                            August 28th: 347.8 pounds / September 3: 340.6 = -7.2 lbs, 1st Week 

Food Binges Immediately After Losing 70 pounds

When I followed a very strict program (no sugar, flour or friend foods, ooops, I meant "fried" foods) with the 12-Step Program Overeaters Anonymous H.O.W. from April 2016 to December 2016, I got down from 372 (my highest weight ever) to 302.2 pounds. I looked awesome and felt so great.

HOWEVERRRRRRRR, during a Christmas celebration in 2016, I ate some sweet potato pie and drank some wine and MY TASTE BUDS WERE REINTRODUCED TO SUGAR AND FLOUR AND I LOST MY MIND. Along with work stress and before I could catch myself, I went right back to what I normally do after a restrictive diet. I EAT!!! I went running back to all of the foods that I cut out while following OA H.O.W. (Honest. Open. Willing.)

Below are pictures of some, not all, of my junk food binges that I indulged in from January 2017 to May 2017. These food binges are how I gained back up to 345 pounds and show you EXACTLY my eating patterns/binges which caused me to get up to 372 in the first place!! 

I ate two full bags of Tootsie Roll Blow Pops = 22 pops in pretty much ONE DAY.
What is so classic is my Big Book (my Overeaters Anonymous book) on the table in the background!!
(Jesus Take the Wheel!!!)

My favorite spot in my living room (in front of the TV) with some Pad Thai, Twizzlers and an ice cold 25-ounce can of Straw-ber-rita! 

 Multiple bottles of alcohol, fast food Styrofoam containers, chips, sodas, candy and more fast food!! 

Twizzlers, Doritos, Cheetos and a Bottle of wine in the trash. 

A hidden bag of Doritos I forgot about. When I was originally eating the whole bag, some friends dropped over and I hid it in a moving / packing box. When I found it, I finished it off...of course!! 

Orville's Pour Over Butter Large Bag of Popcorn

(In my cabinet, you will see books from 12-Step Programs "Food for Thought" and "Surrendering Hunger". You will also see that purple box of Medifast food. I lost 85 pounds on Medifast back in 2013, but gained 80 pounds back the next year!!)

I ate this entire bag of chips in one sitting

A whole large Pizza, Straw-ber-ritas, Cheetos, Doritos, Popcorn, Pretzel Thins, Reese's and some other stuff I can't quite make out

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WEIGH DOWN VS. MAN MADE DIETS

The difference between Weigh Down and Man-Made Diets is that my heart does not have to change on man-made diets. The food is the only thing that changes, not my heart, not my desires, not my obedience to hunger and fullness.  I have always been in love with the food. I have always worshiped the food instead of God. It was my idol. I could avoid it long enough to lose 70 pounds, but eventually, my heart ran back to the food which is the struggle I have had all of my life.....before Weigh Down.